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        I grew up in a small town in the mid-west. I was the youngest of three girls and was seven years old when John F. Kennedy was shot and killed. Our family moved out to Southern California then, and we were driving through Texas during that awful tragedy. 

       The sixties came and went; life for me was so innocent then. We attended a church in the community in which I lived. After a while, we stopped going. The women’s movement began to sweep the country. My mother began working. She became a career woman in advertising. We girls were encouraged to be "somebody" , to have a career and to focus on success. Personal feelings were not so important as exterior fronts. Hearing the words, "what will the neighbors think" always echoed in my ears.

       I became a cheerleader in high school; it was the early 70’s when sex and drugs were becoming the norm. Of course, I lived in the secular world, and wanted to experience all that life had to offer. It was mine for the taking. And I took it. I loved to love and be loved. That was the beginning of my downfall.

      I had a void that I thought only a man could fill. At that time I did not know Jesus. I had been taught about Jesus, but I did not KNOW Jesus. So I fell into the trap of "if you love me you will"…some of my "normal" friends were having sex, and so I took the plunge. 

       It was shortly after Roe vs. Wade that I became pregnant. I was terrified. What would my parents do? I thought for sure they would disown me. My boyfriend was moving up to Alaska and did not want to be straddled with a pregnancy. He wanted me to abort the baby.

       We went to a Planned Parenthood Clinic in North Hollywood. It felt so cold. I was never so scared in all my life. I wanted someone to tell me I didn’t have to do this. When I arrived at Planned Parenthood I was expecting someone to counsel me on my options and the procedure. When I asked them what I should do, that I was really scared, they told me, "have the abortion, it’s perfectly safe, it’s like pulling a tooth. We’ll put you out and you won’t feel a thing; just a little cramping afterwards, then you’ll be good as new. It will soon be over with. We’re going to help you take care of your problem. Then they collected my $300.00. I was 16 at the time. I walked in desperate, scared, and feeling lonelier than I ever felt before. I wanted my mother. I walked out scarred, in pain, and emotionally exhausted.

       I began smoking marijuana, and decided not to go out for cheerleading again. I started hanging out with the "wrong" crowd. I gained 20 pounds and wanted nothing to do with boys for awhile.

       Two years went by. I had graduated from high school and was technically an "adult". I planned on going to college like my sisters, but not just yet. Instead, I wanted to experience life a little first. I planned on moving to Hawaii in the near future. But in the meantime, I met another man, we started dating quite a bit. I decided that I would be more careful, and not sleep with him. We were drinking at a party one night, dancing to the Doobie Brothers, and one thing led to another... we slept together. And I got pregnant. 

       This was not possible. Not this fast; how could I drink so much and let this happen? What a FOOL I was. What about my plans for Hawaii? Then going to college? I was ruined. But, I could get another abortion. Just this time, then I’ll get an IUD and be safe.

       So I went to the clinic, and I asked about the "tissue"…I wanted to know when it was going to be a baby and they told me it was still just tissue, and that I was safe because I was only 6 weeks pregnant. I asked for anesthesia - I didn’t want to be awake AT ALL. They also inserted an IUD after the procedure. Afterwards, I felt relieved. It was a little easier this time. I was a bit older and "wiser", and I am being responsible now because I have my IUD.

        Well, 3 months after the IUD was inserted, I began bleeding profusely. My girlfriend was home that week from school, my mom and dad were out of town. She took me to the hospital where they removed my IUD. Shortly after that, I moved to Hawaii - against my parents wishes. They didn’t know the pain I hid inside. I wanted to escape the memories of my teen years.

        Shortly after I moved to Hawaii, I developed an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit and had to have my right ovary removed. I was troubled by not being able to have children, and I thought I would not be very fertile. This made me even more depressed; I didn’t feel whole any more - both physically and emotionally. 

         I began working in a hotel in Waikiki where anything goes; affairs were becoming more common than not. My roommate, who was 4 years older than I, was having an affair. What’s the big deal? I thought. There are a lot of people having affairs! I lived on Cosmopolitan magazine and devoured the articles on how to find Mr. Right and make a man fall in love with you - even if he was married. And of course, I did. 

        We started having sex, he used a condom, I was feeling confident with only one ovary, and I got pregnant. I was stunned. There was no way I could have the baby. This man was not going to leave his wife for me. I couldn’t afford a child on the salary of a waitress. So I found myself at Planned Parenthood again. I was numb. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend it never happened. 

        What happened after that became a life of drinking, pot-smoking and pill-popping. Never in my life did I ever want to feel normal again. I began hating the woman I was becoming. Being far across the Pacific ocean, I didn’t have to face my family.

        A few years went by and I married a local Hawaiian man. I stopped doing drugs, and would drink wine in the evenings. No more parties, I was getting my "senses" back. At this point, I had two children. (I thought there was a God after all.) After my second child, I started taking the pill. I had an adverse reaction to the pill, so the doctor put me on the diaphragm. Well, I got pregnant again - and on the diaphragm - I thought that God must really be playing a joke on me. 

        My husband was in construction, and I wasn’t working at the time. It was during the early 80’s when we were in an economic downturn and construction jobs in Hawaii were far and few between. We were broke; I was feeling desperate. Then, I thought, well, maybe this time. I went to an ob/gyn and he performed the surgery. Again, I was under anesthesia. When I woke up, I was sobbing. The doctor came to me and told me that while he was performing the procedure, I cried and said I didn’t want to lose my baby. He asked if I would be all right. I just shook my head yes and went home. 

      I was completely NUMB. My husband went along with the abortion, but when we came home he hit me and said "it’s all my fault." He too was suffering. I went in my room and wept and wept and wept. After that, our marriage was not the same. 

      We moved back to California to try to make it there. I had to go back to work to help support our family. I started working in the hotel business in management, and poured myself into my work. I was promoted several times, and found fulfillment in my life like I couldn’t get from my husband or any one else. My parents were proud of me for the first time since I was a little girl. I felt worthy. 

      This success made my family suffer. I became removed from my children, as they were always in school and then after school day-care. My relationship with my husband was getting worse. We divorced and he moved back to Hawaii. 

      I started drinking more; it was easy in the hotel business. There was a lot of entertaining. It was the 80’s and it was all about self. My poor children. But God was good, even though I didn’t recognize it then. I sent my kids to a wonderful Christian school with a great after-school program and summer school. My parents took care of them in the evenings if I had to work late. (We lived 5 miles from my folks’ house.)

       I started dating again. I met another man who swept me off my feet. He had money, and spoiled me rotten. He treated me like a princess. We dated for several years. We talked about getting married. He was my "soul-mate". He was going to give me the life I thought would never be possible. I could replace my lost babies with him. 

     He got involved in cocaine; the executive’s drug; life in the fast lane. And I went along with him. My life hit rock bottom. I wanted a baby so we would stop this lifestyle. I thought it would "clean me up" like it did before. He said he wanted a baby too. And I got pregnant, by choice. When I told him about it, he said that it wasn’t his. He threatened me. He turned on me. He was heavily into drugs at this point. He became a completely different person. He was like the devil himself. 

         I did something I hadn’t done in a long time. I got on my knees and started praying. But I prayed the wrong prayer. I made a deal with God. "God, you know I can’t have a baby from this man. If you let me get this abortion, I will never have another one again, I promise." Right after the abortion, my boyfriend came back. He pleaded with me and like an IDIOT I took him back. We "made love" and I got pregnant. 

        He drove me to the clinic, and met me afterwards with a dozen red roses and a vial of cocaine. My life was an absolute nightmare and I could not wake up. I started getting heavy into drugs and got pregnant again. No more excuses. The drugs were too much. I dragged myself to the abortion clinic. The pro-lifers were out front picketing. I wanted them to leave me alone. They didn’t know my pain, my guilt, my depression, my self-hate, my worthlessness. I just wanted it over.

        This time, when I woke up from the anesthesia, I looked around me in the recovery room. (These rooms are large, and have up to 25 cots in them, maybe more.) All I saw was a battlefield of broken women, wounded for life. A young lady, maybe 18 years old, was crying next to me. I got off my cot and walked over to her and put my arm around her and told her it was going to be okay. I knew inside it wasn’t. But this was my only way of coping. So I walked out of the room.

        I knew the routine. You get up when you feel like you can, walk over to the locker room, get your clothes changed and walk out the back door. You can’t go out through the front door, the people at the clinic don’t want the new patients to see you leave.

       I left my boyfriend after that. It was the last abortion I would ever have. I went back to college, got my degree in business management, graduated cum laude. I did this while raising two kids, and working full time as a hotel general manager. I did seek therapy for healing. I had a lot of anger inside. I continued having nightmares over and over. I would cry myself to sleep.

       I re-married several years later. My husband and I started going to church. I accepted Christ into my life. My daughter was already a Christian, and had been praying for me for 10 years to get "saved". I thank the Lord for my daughter’s prayers. And I thank God that He never gave up on me; that He was patient. And that He loved me so much that He sent His only Son to die on the cross for my sins. I am forgiven and set free of the bondage of abortion that enslaved me.

       I found out about a crisis pregnancy center in the area that I live. I never knew these places existed. I was so excited, I couldn’t wait to volunteer my time and help others. I realized through this, that I desperately needed healing. While I knew my sins had been forgiven, I still could not forgive myself. It was through a post-abortive Bible Study at the center, that I was able to truly experience God’s forgiveness and His love for me. I surrendered my life to Christ. I have asked Him to use me as His vessel. 

         There have been times when I have laid down on the floor crying out to the Lord, asking Why? Why? Why? Why Lord did I have seven abortions before I got saved? Why didn’t I know better? Why didn’t I know you before? Why didn’t I realize that these were BABIES that I was killing? Why? 

           OH God, I know you must have a plan for me, that I can turn this to good for Your Glory. Oh, please use me Lord. You have forgiven me for so much. I owe you everything. But please, don’t make me say my testimony. People won’t understand. They’ll think I’m bad, half crazy. And the Lord spoke to me, "I love you (name withheld), your sins are forgiven. As far as the east is from the west. I see them no more." So I am now a child of God. The old self is gone. I am a new creation in Christ!

         Part of the healing process included writing a letter to our unborn baby. The statement we were to use was "Dear God, One thing I have never gotten to say to my baby is:…..Well, this took me some time, because I many babies to write to, and it was a tough assignment. Then one day I sat down and began to write.

Dear God,

One thing I have never gotten to say to my babies is:

Dear Children,

It’s taken me a long time to write to you because I didn’t know quite what to say to each of you. What can a mother say to her children when she denies them their very lives? I’m sorry, please forgive me? That doesn’t seem enough to me; nor can I give you excuses for cutting short your chances of life. All I can tell you now is my deep-felt regret for thinking of me first before you. Thinking of my pleasure before your pain, thinking of my convenience before your loss.

I’ll never be able to hold you or love you here on this earth. I’ll never see you laugh, be there to wipe away your tears or catch you if you fall. I’ll never witness your growth, your handsomeness or your beauty, your children and my grandchildren. I’ll never see what God intended for you to be.

I’ve always been afraid you would never know me. I’ve always been afraid you would not want to know me. It hurts me so to think I have hurt you so much and I have taken away precious gifts from God. Who would you have been? Where would you be now? How could I have turned my back on each of you?

I regret so much that I did not know the Lord when I was younger. I regret that I gave into the enemy and his lies. I regret that I turned away from God when He was calling me. But I said, "wait God, I’m not ready yet."

So to Daniel, Peter, Sarah Beth, Rebekah, Johnathon, Joshua and Hannah, when I get to heaven I want to hold you in my arms and pour my love out onto you. I want to run in the fields, play on the swings, praise the Lord and come before Him with you by my side and thank Him for taking care of you and for giving me His mercy, His grace and His love, so that I may be with you eternally for life.

I love you with ALL my heart…I’ll be with you soon were I can hold you in Heaven, under my Father’s arms.

When I was asked to speak before you, I called my friend from the crisis pregnancy center. She heard my testimony two years ago. I asked her if I should tell them EVERYTHING. She said, tell them Jane. It’s your story. And God wants to use you now. I stand before you today not on my own, but only by the power of God. For I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

I want to close with a verse from one of my favorite hymns, and a scripture the Lord gave me as I was healing.                                            

         Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,

The Apostle Paul writes in 1 Timothy 1: 12 - 17:

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even thought I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ  Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

The task of healing is a difficult, long road, especially if you don’t know Jesus. The old adage "time heals all" just does not happen in the post-abortive woman. In fact, time "steals all". And those that are robbed are not just the unborn children, or the would-be mother, but the would-be father, siblings, and grandparents. The circle of pain is like shock waves that are sent out and have spread throughout our country. Life is no longer valued as it was in the days before abortion was legalized. What we now have is a generation that regards life as hopeless.

 Yes, these may be perilous times, but not hopeless times. We must not look to the wisdom of the world, but to the loving wisdom of God. What we need is a revival in this country - a revival to stand up for what is right and what is wrong. For our youth to say NO to pre-marital sex; for married couples to stay together and work through their problems and say NO to divorce; for men and women to say NO to the taking of innocent lives through the selfish act of abortion.

As we all take a stand for life, let us not do so in anger, disgust or hate over those who are pro-choice. Love them. Jesus tells us to love our enemies, for the battle is the Lord’s. ‘Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs.’ - Proverbs 10:12.

There are tens of thousands of young girls and women who need the love of Christ; they need hope, they need to know there is a better way. Stop the slaughter, the torn and broken lives by saying "yes" to life.

If I may be a source of encouragement, please email me:

   jlbucks@msn.com

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